Hard Lessons

To have an illness where you are controlled by your mind, by your emotions, even your senses wreak havoc as you are swung from despair to euphoria and everywhere in between can be the worst case of madening.

I found in my husband the sanity I need on a minute by minute basis.  I remember 1 day I could feel the anxiety and mental looping taking over. The first thing I knew to do was call my husband desperately needing help and knowing no one would understand the nightmare I was going through.  And there he was that voice of reason.  I don’t know what he said but I do know that he poked through the chaos and brought a calm to a very scary place.

There in lies the problem.  He is so necessary for my clarity of real and fantasy or fact or mental gliches.  Take a conversation which I KNOW he is saying mean things. Looking evil.  He can read my face, hear the change in my voice and he will stop and address the issue right then.  I know if he says it wasn’t real… It really wasn’t.  That is a trust that has taken 25 years of dreadging through this with me to achieve.  It also means that he is the only man in a marriage  who always gets to win LOL.

So as I said this is where even the most perfect human being can be … well human….

Last night we went to dinner for our 25th anniversary.  In a conversation (pleasant up till this point) about my business… slight backstory… I had a rep ask if I could work remotely in other states, which I said yes.  I was elated at the thought of growing in ways I didn’t see prior.

Well, my husband brings up at dinner the question, why would a company in a different state choose me.  He was I now understand just seeing how I would address a company with that question.  He probably should have know this was trouble.  SO… because I trust him to be my clarity, I heard that no company would ever want to hire me outside of local.  I suddenly felt so stupid to believe I could be more and my own husband really doesn’t believe in me… so I looped that horrible thought in my head and by the time I walked barefoot out of the restaurant… (whole nother story)… He was now in hell from the moment he uttered the question and ALL the way home.  He did finally help me understand but I really struggled with believing he wasn’t being hateful.

Anyway, I just want to give props to my wonderfull husband who once told me to the question why do you stay married to me… without hesitation he says “because I said sickness AND health”.

I guess what I meant to bring up here is that it is so very important when the mind gets to you and everything feels so out of control, to have someone (a therapist, a parent, a spouse, a friend) just someone who you can reach out immediately when you need to, calls you on your crap when its good for no one, and forgives you for the times you can’t help it.  It is I think the most valuable asset to my (dis)functional life.

 

 

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