The real heros

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Feeling so much better.  Who knows as the day progresses but for now pretty dang good. Which leads me to something that hit me pretty hard yesterday.  After my last post of sleeping issues I went downhill quick.  Trying to talk to people was a nightmare.  My brain would not let the words match what came out of my mouth.  Often stuttering from attempting to find harmony between them.  The racing thoughts overroad anything people tried to say back.  Then there was clumsiness, headache, shaky, just a mess.

I longed to sleep.  I knew my mind would be better if I could just sleep.  Thankfully I was able to take enough sleeping meds, smoke enough weed (this has been my favorite godsend) and some melatonin.  I was able to finally feel the blessed tiredness come over me.  Last nights rest was an added bonus.

Here is what I often forget while I am so focussed on me….

I called my husband yesterday on the way home from a client and he was so jubilant on the phone… “Yellow?!!!” his happy way of answering the phone.  So I said, “wow you sound like you are having a good day.” And then he said something that broke and touched my heart at the same time.  He said “I am in a great mood.  When I came to bed last night you were snoring and I said YES! I am so relieved for her.” So I asked him… “Oh honey are you telling me that your day is affected by how I am doing?” and he said “It really is.  I worry for you when you whenever you have bad days.”  My daughter also commented on how badly I was doing when she saw me. How awful for them to so often see the matriarch of the family in such a weak place.

I get so busy just internally monitoring every change that I often don’t see how I affect others.  It is lovely to have people care, but hate how much they have to endure that I don’t even know because I can’t see myself from the outside.

I will never know why I was blessed to have such love while others struggle alone,  nor why the people I love were so cursed to have such turmoil.  I liken bipolar to a teenager sometimes. My mood is always shifting, while  generally the “adults” are left picking up the pieces and often being the voice of reason.

 

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