Last week had me in quite the euphoric and hyper focused state.  After review it was assessed I need to back off the full positive thinking.  Instead I am going to work on only finding 1 positive thing about myself per day.  I don’t think good of myself very often and often put myself down, so beyond my last list I am a little nervous.  Surely I can find 5 more.

So, I had planned on writing the topic below only, but last night I was thinking about the fact that I seem to be the only person who doesn’t remember if I dream in color or black and white.  I seldom remember having dreamed so it’s hard to strain my brain for an image. I am a huge Google freak.  I am like a gunslinger with my phone when a question is posed.  So of course I Googled the query of how to tell. among the percentage of people who dream in color vs black and white and dream types was a couple interesting sites.

According to a couple studies they found that people with personality disorders often don’t dream very much.  Others said they mostly have nightmares.  Now because I have not really researched this only stumbled across a few sites, I am in no way claiming anything to be fact.  I am going to research more however, It seems implausible that anyone could go through life let alone function without the necessary dream cycle.

But it is an interesting theory.  I mean if you factor in the lack of sleep it could be a simple we don’t go through REM sleep as often thus leading to less dreams.  But I would be curious to know if the lack of dreaming is a catalyst for the pendulum of emotions and physical symptoms. I know the lack of sleep is a huge participant and would make sense to cause nightmares but no dreams???… I don’t know… just seems like something to look more into.

That wasn’t my intended talking point… I just thought it was interesting… my actual point today is about people who think bipolar isn’t real or that I should look to god for healing.

On the first I will only say, I am not gay nor have body dismorphia.  I do not have OCD or terets syndrom… I may not relate to any the forementioned or any other issues that others live with.  (Not saying gay is an illness, just saying I am a hetrosexual).  I have heard a lot of things that are not “normal” are conditioned by the environment rather than something people are born with.  Even psychologist don’t all agree that bipolar disorder is an illness.  To those I say… how dare you.  If I don’t relate to something does not mean it isn’t legitimate.  If I was conditioned by my environment then it means I can uncondition it in my opinion.  And there is no one who works harder trying to “uncondition it” than me.  Let’s add to that actual brain scans that are done on bipolars.  The show that the brain is active differently than non bipolars.

But let me say this.  My dad had Parkinson’s Disease.  Died from the effects of it this past December.  I had no idea till this year about the correlation between Parkinson’s and Bipolar. The only difference is the motor function.  They are very similarly linked.  My memory is bad as I mentioned so I don’t recall where I saw that study.  But if there is a link and bipolar is genetic than hmmm seems logical.

The second is because I have been surrounded by religious views all my life.  I have said prior that I have times I feel close with god.  For anyone to believe you haven’t prayed a whole bunch to get relief from this is in my opinion right next to the ignorant people who believe it is simply a lack of self control or heightened emotions.  It is a cruel thing to hear how god cured your depression.  During your depression you simply stopped taking antidepressants and gave it all to god.  Well I am glad for those who are “healed” from their issues.  If god would heal this ailment I would do a tap dance from CA to NY.  But until then I will continue to accept me the way I am. Maybe god needs me to walk this path for an as yet unknown reason.

I’m just saying that either way, saying it doesn’t exist or saying to seek god, Either Way … try being in my shoes and see how real it is or how frustrating it is not to be healed.  It’s why it took till last week to finally accept there is no cure.

And now my nice thought…

I can not lie.  I am compulsively honest.  I will go back 2 days later to correct something just to ensure I was absolutely telling the truth.  There are times when it is necessary to not be honest so I will have to find something true to base my words on.  Like if you were to ask me if I like something you were wearing.  If I don’t particularly care for it I would say “It is so you” or “It is lovely with your skin color”.  Thus avoiding the dress answer altogether.

(The downside of this compulsion I will leave for another day).


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