I was trying to avoid verbalizing negativity this week. When I came to terms that my illness is permanent, it settled something in me. Brought a co-existence acceptance and with that brought the mindset of letting my symptoms just ebb and flow. Don’t fight them just let them be. But I also made up my mind that I was going to bring positive to my brain as much as possible.
It has and will continue to be a process which I have hope in time will become the standard which I live each and every day.
But for just this moment I want to address my sadness. The hits I have been receiving are so very hard to endure and even the things that should be shifting my mood, I still find I am sad that I am fighting every moment to keep pulling myself up.
The events that have occurred over the past few weeks which are becoming more and more hard to cope:
Missing Drinking. I was able to have a glass now and again, but to quit smoking I have to give that small happiness up so my resistance to smoking doesn’t waver.
My biggest client is looking to switch to a full time onsite employee thus loosing a huge part of my income. But they haven’t found anyone yet so it’s up in the air. If they leave will I have a self supporting business?
Another client refuses to pay me so I had to fire them, furthering my feeling of defeat for my business.
My daughter is on maternity leave which has been a struggle trying to run everything by myself. Even though financially probably for the best with things so up in the air. Not to mention I miss having her and my grandson here on a regular basis.
If I closes my business her source of income is affected too
I have new potential clients wanting to hire me, which for me is always difficult to adjust to new people and their needs. Which is why I struggle with loosing my big client. I had my workload finally set, now I have to go through more changes. Will the new clients be enough to compensate for the loss of my larger one?
I miss my dad. It has been 6 months but I still have times where it gets to me.
My son lives in Alaska and had a baby a month ago. The past few weeks I have really gotten down about not being able to meet my grandson. We get a picture weekly, but it’s so hard not getting to be actively in his life.
For both my children I struggle anyway. I never quite got over the loss of them moving out. Trying to find my identity outside of being a mom is still a challenge for me.
My weight is going up at a rather rapid pace. At my recent dr visit I have nearly hit the 200 lb mark.
A cough I developed 3 weeks ago is still a constant battle. I get headaches and a sore stomach sometimes from coughing so much. The inhaler helps for a short time but not as a fix for sure. I will be seeing the dr in a few weeks per his request if it continues. This shouldn’t be a big deal. It just feels on par with the rest of my life right now.
There are a few other things I can’t mention because they are a lot more personal, but overall I just feel like crawling in bed and staying there. Everything feels heavy and hard. And I know I need to keep the endless stream of positive reinforcement resounding in my ears. I just don’t feel like keep getting up, but I have to.
Right now I just wish I could force this depressive state to hurry up.
And with that I continue on with my Inspiration Week that I need most right now.