I was trying to avoid verbalizing negativity this week.  When I came to terms that my illness is permanent, it settled something in me.  Brought a co-existence acceptance and with that brought the mindset of letting my symptoms just ebb and flow.  Don’t fight them just let them be.  But I also made up my mind that I was going to bring positive to my brain as much as possible.

It has and will continue to be a process which I have hope in time will become the standard which I live each and every day.

But for just this moment I want to address my sadness. The hits I have been receiving are so very hard to endure and even the things that should be shifting my mood, I still find I am sad that I am fighting every moment to keep pulling myself up.

The events that have occurred over the past few weeks which are becoming more and more hard to cope:

Missing Smoking

Missing Drinking.  I was able to have a glass now and again, but to quit smoking I have to give that small happiness up so my resistance to smoking doesn’t waver.  

My biggest client is looking to switch to a full time onsite employee thus loosing a huge part of my income.  But they haven’t found anyone yet so it’s up in the air.  If they leave will I have a self supporting business?

Another client refuses to pay me so I had to fire them, furthering my feeling of defeat for my business.

My daughter is on maternity leave which has been a struggle trying to run everything by myself.  Even though financially probably for the best with things so up in the air. Not to mention I miss having her and my grandson here on a regular basis.

If I closes my business her source of income is affected too

I have new potential clients wanting to hire me, which for me is always difficult to adjust to new people and their needs. Which is why I struggle with loosing my big client.  I had my workload finally set, now I have to go through more changes.  Will the new clients be enough to compensate for the loss of my larger one?

I miss my dad.  It has been 6 months but I still have times where it gets to me.

My son lives in Alaska and had a baby a month ago.  The past few weeks I have really gotten down about not being able to meet my grandson. We get a picture weekly, but it’s so hard not getting to be actively in his life.

For both my children I struggle anyway.  I never quite got over the loss of them moving out.  Trying to find my identity outside of being a mom is still a challenge for me.

My weight is going up at a rather rapid pace.  At my recent dr visit I have nearly hit the 200 lb mark.

A cough I developed 3 weeks ago is still a constant battle.  I get headaches and a sore stomach sometimes from coughing so much.  The inhaler helps for a short time but not as a fix for sure. I will be seeing the dr in a few weeks per his request if it continues. This shouldn’t be a big deal.  It just feels on par with the rest of my life right now.

There are a few other things I can’t mention because they are a lot more personal, but overall I just feel like crawling in bed and staying there.  Everything feels heavy and hard.  And I know I need to keep the endless stream of positive reinforcement resounding in my ears. I just don’t feel like keep getting up, but I have to.

Right now I just wish I could force this depressive state to hurry up.

And with that I continue on with my Inspiration Week that I need most right now.





2 thoughts on “A Temporary Pause to Inspiration

  1. It’s ok to vent , we are here to listen.
    It sounds like a shitty set of circumstances. I hate stress and uncertainty so I can understand how big of a mental hit you are taking from the job situation right now. I’m sorry you have to give up drinking to give up smoking :/ It has to be rough giving up two coping mechanisms at the same time and especially during a stressful period. I can’t even imagine the loss of identity that comes with kids growing up and moving out of the house , my oldest is thirteen and just thinking about it makes me sad :/ Congratulations on the grand babies though 🙂 I’m amazed that you are moving forward and still making good choices, you are stronger than you think. Many people would’ve given up and reverted to negative coping skills by now.

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