It’s so hard to describe how I feel at this juncture. Something happened when my dad died that made me want to be better. Not necessarily well. I now get that I am sick and I can’t cure it. I must take medication always. But I did want to live a more functional life. I was ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work. Starting this blog was the largest accelerator to give myself no further choice. I am facing the truth in my illness that I can’t ignore it but I can see it at face value and work toward what it isn’t.
Here’s how I see it:
Bipolar wants to have things my way.
Maturity says sometimes I must compromise or accept I can’t have it.
Bipolar wants to defeat my self esteem
Confidence says I am beautifully and perfectly made
Bipolar wants me to fail at everything I try
Success wants me to achieve everything I work hard for
Bipolar wants me to act out when things are hard
Strength and Positivity want me to be patient and overcome any mountain
Bipolar needs a time out and go focus on mindfulness…
I came to the above thought when I heard the song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” by Elton John. As I sat there and listened I started to imagine it was Bipolar singing to me. It was pretty cool. I am really proud of myself for committing to such a hard crappy frustrating thing to attempt as learning mindfulness. So I think of my blog as homework. And I have to try to focus on growth and positivity. That is my assignment. And damn if I’m not doing pretty good. I know I feel crappy and frustrated but I think it is just the bipolar in me getting pissed off.
It’s how I think of it now. A separate presence in me that I will have to teach how to play nice with my mind. I’m not delusional I know it’s not but it helps to see it that way.
Anyway the video and lyrics to the song below.
“Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I’m growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life
Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light
Don’t let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see
I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me
I can’t find the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don’t discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal