I was ready to give up today. I have been working so hard at “not fighting” so much, but all it took was 1 sentence to push me fully down last night and I lay there until a little bit ago indifferent to the work I had to do today, indifferent to my family, the dog, cat, tv, food. I asked my daughter for a cigarette (she didn’t have 1) if I had alcohol in the house I think I would enjoy a bottle or 2, and now I am starting to question if I should keep blogging. I am all over the place in my approach and it isn’t how I saw it when I started. I’m just a worthless person with so much negativity. How do I really matter. I know these are lies I am telling myself and I want so badly to be find the positive. I tried listening to positive motivation which sounded hollow and meant for someone else. I just can’t connect. But like a beacon in the night a video came on that reminded me not to give up.
I don’t feel better, I don’t feel anything right now. I just know I need to press through and not let defeat take control. This is part of what I need to just let be. And so I am blogging anyway and keeping my commitment.