Pre-warning I do talk about attempted suicide.  I don’t want offend anyone so just wanted to advise.

I don’t have motivation to give today.  I am scared and I am having a hard time using any tools right now. Charlie has spent the entire night and even up till now just beating me over the head with negative talk.

The comment yesterday was a bit much for my thin skin.  Yes I’m working on it, but it’s still all so new.  And I let her words fester in my mind so I re-read the comment stream again and I am reminding myself that none of that conversation was my baggage.  People attack what they most hate about themselves and so I am letting it go now and will just pray for a peace in her life that she so deserves.

And following the nice interaction above, I got the call from the company that is my biggest client and they have 4 interviews lined up today.  I sincerely feel like I did when my husband lost his business 5 years ago.  We lost our home, our lives, our identity and our family.  It was so traumatizing. I just lost my mind completely.  Ended up hiding under the house and slashing my wrists so many times that you couldn’t see them anymore through the blood and finally I stood in front of my children and husband and picked up a piece of broken plate and I just stuck it deep in my wrist and drew it up the arm. How sick, I actually wanted them to feel the hurt. SELFISH! The scar reminds me every day.

When my dad died I worried so much that I would go back to that place and because of that I wouldn’t allow myself to mourn.  I was back working in a week.  Not doing a great job of it but I needed to keep from falling down with all my heart. I did however, want to honor him by doing better.

This business I started has been a saving grace.  I am able to be home more and my schedule is flexible so I can have down days without interfering with work. My daughter has been a gem to pushing me on when I start doubting myself. And she picks up the slack when I am distracted or overwhelmed.   I was guided to this path and now I fear it will be taken away.  I am just so scared I can’t even express.

I had a couple cigarettes.  I won’t tell my husband because he needs to be healthy for his blood pressure.  I also smoked a whole bunch of weed and took anxiety pills so I’m feeling a little less like I want to jump off a cliff.  But this is not the way that will help me reach my goal.  actively seeking self control… that is what will. In truth it for me is really just about self control.  And about enjoying each moment rather than living what was or what might happen.

I have a purpose and I will continue working toward the functional.  But right now I am going to be sad. I give myself permission to be sad today.  Tomorrow I get off my butt and get back to the business of the work I do have and I will not give up. How will I know where life is taking me if I stand in it’s way. Maybe there is an even greater plan for me and I am just in the first step. Faith…I just need to have faith.

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