I was in a pretty bad place this morning which is why I only posted the pic. I just didn’t want to keep being negative. But this is a bipolar blog and I need to express when things are working and when they aren’t. It isn’t really accurate progress for myself, if I don’t share when I’m not ok. I have to be open and honest to grow.
So the issue I was having, was that I could see my mental state was overriding the ability to withstand it. I thought I was doing good but yesterday woke up with a head cold which means my immune system is low due to internal stress (sigh) and I had 1 audible hallucination. Not too bad but was frustrated I had any at all. I also could feel agitation rising up as the weekend progressed. I controlled reactions to it through the breath but it felt like I was spending all my time following breath and not being able to be present to those around me. There I was among people enjoying a BBQ on Sunday and I just wanted to go home.
I became so frustrated this morning to wake up at 1 am with tears puddling onto the bed. I tried to hide them when my husband woke up at 5 but they slipped out just a few seconds before he headed out the door and he became frustrated. He fears I am going to give up and I am so sorry I couldn’t wait until he left. I am not the only one who has been damaged by my illness. I knew it was unfair for him to start his day like that. When he sees me hurt it hurts him too no matter how long he has lived with it. He just wants to fix it so badly for me.
So I walked out to the back porch and had my secret cigarette. I didn’t feel like taking the dog for a walk. Didn’t feel like starting my day. The pain in my chest was telling me just call it a day and this is all by 6 am… so silly.
But I know god wants me to thrive, wants to show me he is faithful.. but first I JUST HAVE TO HAVE FAITH!!! I realized sitting there even if my faith waxes and wains, I can fake it till I make it. Just get up I told myself. Just put on your headphones and put some encouraging words in my ears then just put 1 foot in front of the other. Whatever you do… DO NOT STAY DOWN.
Making that decision was the best idea. After I got back home I called my husband to tell him I got this. He was so happy to hear it. I still have the pain in my chest, my head is stuffy and achy, and I can feel so much fear. But I also feel hopeful. And if I can just fake it till I make it I will get through this season of uncertainty. I stand by my advise that god prepared me for this. I’m handling this alot better than I am accustomed.
And finally. About that gratitude. I do have a plan now but I am going to share it and my last weeks goals marker tomorrow to bring things back to the positive.