Anxiety comes rushing in

A little anxiety creeping in.  I just crossed the 20th off my calendar. August 1st is my deadline.  Took anxiety med to thwart the impending panic, think I need 1 more.  I am trusting that god has a plan, I just wish he would direct me which way to go. So I could go boldly and with good consciousness. Yesterday I left my morning appointment and just drove.  Didn’t know where I was going, just drove.  I ended up in the mountains just crying and crying.  I shouted over and over to the heavens “what do you want me to do?” I have received messages from him in so many ways from so many surprising sources for me not to worry.  But does that mean hold on things are going to open up or a job is waiting or even maybe just that our finances will survive this transition. (We still have huge tax bill from the fall of my husband’s business and 2 additional year’s tax amounts that wants their monthly payment beyond what they garnish his check regardless) So I can’t sit idle too long.

I have been putting in minimal cost ads, dropping cards, and communicating my services everywhere I go. (I am not the greatest public person so I have no doubt I could be doing better).  But, it just feels like the road is completely blocked.  I do have a few clients still that if I don’t find more business, I will have to give them the bad news.

I haven’t told them because I am holding out hope that something will open up in the 12th hour.

I feel sick at abandoning those that are still with me.  They are small companies (working from their homes)  and individuals who wouldn’t be able to work with a traditional bookkeeping service.  They need someone to come to them and for most of them no more than 2-4 hours.  When dealing with people’s money especially in their home, there is a trust needed for it to work. And I can’t find any local mobile services like me. I love them all and I just don’t want to abandon them.

My anxiety of late has been mostly about them. I haven’t really concerned myself about me. So I keep praying for clarity if I should close shop come 8/1 and let go or keep hoping that 12th hour call will come. I should be looking for a job now if that is the direction I am going to go, but I fear jumping too quickly and giving up.

Sigh, in the meantime I will keep finding my gratitude so I can minimize my thoughts about this.

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