Well, this morning has turned out just peachy. I woke up and upon seeing my husband getting dressed said “good morning”. He responded in kind and then after he is dressed he starts smiling at our dog and bends down to love on her and starts saying “and how are you” to which she adoringly stands on her hind legs and gives him the equivalent of a doggie hug.
He just seemed so happy with her. And I realized I was jealous of my dog.
So back story. When I used to drink I was highly affectionate. Same with drugs. And I recall being in a hotel room not too long after I quit drinking asking him, what if I don’t know h0w to be sexy, or want sex? How was I going to provide the intimacy I could freely give when I was self medicating.
What has made it even worse is that I have been learning how to deal with my illness and my own self in general sober along with the bitterness that took a few years to overcome from when things were so bad between us, so there has been much overcome and I think a part of us just never fully recovered.
We both lost the us we “knew” before we fell down, and I think deep down for him, he resents that I gave up drinking only to become weak emotionally. (I’m sorry I can’t compartmentalize my feelings sober). We hardly kiss or get affectionate (we do hold hands in public) but the lack of intimate or even playful contact means actual sex is maybe once every 2 months or longer. Which even when we do have sex it’s very patterned.
The kicker is, I still feel foreign being intimate sober. So, weirdly I don’t really want to either. But I want to want it. I want to get past this insecure feeling. I know if I could just get him to provide more touching and affection I would be able to eventually get there. We agreed at one point I would just mimic outside of sex what he did to be physically flirtatious so I felt safe and less insecure when I did it back, but that didn’t last. After the first or second time it just kind of went away. Why is it so hard to just reach out and be affectionate? Why is it still so difficult?
We love each other. We are absolutely the best of friends. But as I have told him, I feel sometimes like we are roommates instead of a couple. Hence why I get jealous of my dog when she gets the sweet and affectionate side of him. I don’t know. I just think there are some things you go through that alter everything. Even the very people you once were. Those couples you see that have a devastation so bad it breaks them apart? Well I think we just forgot to pull apart. And now we are trying still to figure out emotionally how to get to point B.
I mean no disrespect to my husband. I have mentioned before that he is there for me through my ups and downs. But he’s not perfect and I just needed to vent.