When I don’t know where my focus should be and left with too much free time, I can easily find obsessions that consume me every minute of every day and I ramp very rapidly into mania (mostly) or depression.
This past month I have done just that. I on one hand have grown daily in my walk with Jesus, but I mistakenly got caught up in the worlds events to watch for end times happenings. I became so obsessed with being an advocate for god and wanting to stand up for the injustices. A wonderful token idea, but for me a bad path to walk, for it was all consuming. Night and day I was watching the horrors of this world, possessions, violence, government conspiracies, was all that I could think or talk about and it became the passion my husband began to see was well intended but sending me into bad states of mind. Yesterday he took me to the fair to eat the greasy food, enjoy the cute animals (and oddly the actual barn smell for me), browse the art building, the home show and just walk around leisurely among happy people. He needed me so desperately to wind down (for me and him) and he knows the best ways to bring me back to simplicity of life.
Unfortunately, today I started back on the obsession and once more this morning I began crying out to God to help me do something to make a change. Let me be a David to this world’s Goliath. And finally he answered… as if specifically to the words I cried out. As I began to search online again, before I could find any more horrors, a video popped up about joy that changed everything right at that moment. He finally reached through the noise of my well intended but clattering mind and simply put, changed the lens for which I was viewing things. I am putting a link at the bottom for anyone else interested in this sweet little video.
The truth is joy would be the David to this world’s Goliath. That simple. He has done so much in my life despite the chaos I bring to it. And joy is something I need in order to combat pain. So, to get this day going in a joyful direction, I want to take a few moments to reflect on just a few powerful things he has done for me that I haven’t acknowledged was his doing and just give gratitude where gratitude is due.
He helped me overcome drinking. What was a nightmare for everyone else and myself he used a really awful self created situation to wake me up and move away from that crutch. Yes I have slipped and got drunk alone a couple of times, but I pay the price physically and worse, images begin to flood in of what drinking did to my life in the past. I quickly put that ghost down once more. I’m not sure after the last slip I want to even try to ever have a glass again. Even with supervision. Why tempt fate?
He removed my desire for pot. I woke up last week and just didn’t feel like doing it anymore. He removed the desire completely. No one saw that coming. And for those in my life who still do it, made them a little sad lol.
He removed my ability to smoke cigarettes. I kept dabbling with cigarettes after I quit in May having just 1 or 2 each day, but for 2 days in a row recently I tried to have a cigarette and became physically ill. As in violently throwing up. Now every time I think of a cigarette I get nauseous. My will was so weak there I am glad he intervened.
For the first time since I was 13 years old I am absolutely 100% substance free!!!
So, even though I am not in control of my thoughts and emotions more often than I care to think about, he still he is able to work in me because I ask him to. I am so grateful that I am not too much for him when I am at times for others and even for my own self.
Finally, I will end saying… I have been leading to this clarity I think for some time in every thing I have been trying to work toward. I just didn’t see it for it’s simplicity… so, at this moment and as often as I can moving forward… I pray simply to live a life of joy and to be a joy to others!