It’s been awhile since I wrote. A lot of changes happening so I needed to really spend time with God and let him work out my next steps…
Today’s blog however is about the at times unbearable symptoms of this disease. I am struggling today with ear and skin sensitivity, ear ringing, eyes, reactive emotions and severe memory struggle. I am simply trying to clean house and if I move too fast the wind rushes by my ears too loudly, if something drops or makes a sudden noise even the slightest unexpected sound makes my skin seize and I proceed to jump to the ceiling. Even typing this feels like my arm muscles are straining and my hands are tingling. Lately my lack of memory has bothered me more than usual. For the past month that I have attended a new church I can’t recall but 1 face or name. I wouldn’t mind the name issue as you can fake it but faces are tough because I will introduce myself and they will tell me we have met prior a few times. 2 times I have done this to the pastor… the pastor!!!!! I want to hide in a corner invisible to everyone. Instead I have to give the patent explanation when we meet that I have a terrible memory so please excuse me if I forget we met. I then make a joke about it only taking 25 times for me to recall. The agitation, is a lot more reactive today as well.. I can feel anger trigger to outburst level and I have to remind myself it isn’t rational. I am alone so it’s somewhat manageable, I am trying not to panic about seeing my husband after work or about bible study group. My eyes are also not holding focus. Like I am light headed…..
I am starting a new client today. I worry that my current delimma is going to be obvious since I am so in my own head I can’t tell what other people are experiencing from me. I have tried to explain the notion of not being able to get outside of my head to people and often it makes no sense from their point of view.
I just wish I had some power over when this occurs so I could contain it to days I don’t need to be on good behavior.