The phantom flu… That’s what I call this.  I know it’s a depressive phase but it feels like the flu.  No fever, but the lethargy, headache, body ache, the shakes, sick to my stomach, phantom flu. I’m supposed to be at a client’s today at some point, but I can’t find the strength to walk to the shower, let alone get dressed and do my hair or makeup. I told myself as I lay here…just 30 more minutes since 7.  I had my first appointment at 8:30 so I cancelled them at 8. My 2nd was scheduled sometime between 11-1. It is now 11 and I give up. I’m just gonna have to cancel. I am so very sad.  We need the money. I can’t afford this.

Sometimes I just don’t want to do this anymore.  Don’t want to ramp up, fall down, embarrass, feel enlightened, feel the world’s against me, feel I am AMAZING, feel like I am hopeless, etc. It is like I am constantly struggling to fight up or come down.  It’s hardly ever what I see in others around me… a core system. An inner person that at my center is constant good or bad.  My core depends on what cycle I am in.  I fervently feel and believe that moment.  I am type A and lazy, adventurist and timid. Compassionate and selfish. Sweet and evil. It just depends on the day and sometimes moment.

I love God, I don’t question his reasons for my being born with this brain, these emotions, this illness.  But I sometimes wish he would give me the strength to cope with it all better. Fight through it with grace. Instead all I can seem to do is pray for strength and patience till I move out of times such as these.


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