First, I have to confess. Jesus has been in charge of my whole life. I may have not known it, but from the time I was determined to become a prostitute just to get free drugs at 15 absolutely preventing it the day before I was set to move in with the dealer, to a devastating car accident at 17 that I was thrown out the window as my husband (then boyfriend) caught my waist and I was able to place my hands against the car door to keep my head from hitting the pavement as we did 360s down the highway after being hit by a semi truck, to causing my body to violently reject too many pills on numerous occasions when I attempted to overdose (at the time I didn’t see it as a good thing), to intervening in an attempted kidnapping at an ice rink (the man only got a short ways from the building) when I was a child to protecting me from so many other very bad situations (alot of them self created). I never understood why he spared me over and over.
Then there is the times He speaks so clearly to me. And I never understand… Why me? Who am I? I am not a great prophet. Not special at all. In fact I am unstable and short fused and fall so short of where I should be all of the time. Why has He kept His presence near me for 43 years when I have done so little for Him? Just in awe that’s all.
OK moving on… The group study was not mania. When I woke up at 2 am to Him saying very clearly BIBLE STUDY… CELL GROUP…I thought He meant to start a Home Church. Every thing I tried to do toward a public group was thwarted. But every day He would remind me through various CLEAR ways that He wanted me to start a group. “What God do you want from me? My friends say not ready, my husband is resisting… “What?!!!” I must be manic I swore. But… as I am chalking it to being a loony toon… I get a text from my mom about the sermon title from Sunday that she felt God compelled her to give me. “When you question God’s calling remember who called you. God did”
Then like a whisper I heard family bible study. A family bible study God Is that what I should do? I then read a little later my devotional for the day and it is about Ask, Seek, Knock.. The devotional message said among other things (not joking) Go to Small Group!!! and Keep on Believing” OK God family bible study it is… My husband was suddenly now on board, my daughter and son in law are also excited. Everyone is looking forward to our first bible study – family dinner. My son isn’t ready, but I’m not worried anymore. All in due time.
And (again I could not make this up) so I was chatting with my mom last night and I am looking through my books on my nightstand (I was going to reduce the volume that had grown out of control since I hadn’t been reading any of them in a while) and there in the front was 1 titled (A bible study guide for beginners) 2nd 1 titled (ABCs of the bible) 3rd (Bible reader’s Companion) and 2 bibles (1 my dad gave me before he died and the 2nd I bought when I was wanting to buy bibles to have for those who need them. I planned on buying more but passions went elsewhere) I have my own bible and my husband has his. So I have exactly enough bibles for family bible study! I did in fact buy the 3 books but after I bought them I felt they weren’t really what I was looking for after all and had planned to give them away but never did. I bought the books and bible 4 months prior to being woken up to His message! I must have put those on my nightstand with my other books when I was cleaning at some point. Just all pretty clearly a guided decision.
I had been praying for my family. Had asked for prayer at church bible study. I couldn’t get them to go to church. They just didn’t want to do the formal church thing. My friend and I often pray over our families that they will come back to him (My husband and I were very devoted Christians for alot of our kids’ lives). In the case of my son in law for the first time. God said Ask and Ye Shall Receive. Feeling a whole lot thankful and now I will further be in Fasting and Prayer on Friday for Saturday.
I’m at peace now. No more urgency to move forward. It was relentless.
Yeay… not mania! It was you God 🙂