Rough morning. I was up at 4:00 am going through my job requests and responding to messages, feeling really excited that I am making headway in Upwork.  The remote quick jobs are a huge help to supplement the ongoing existing clients at this time.

The day went quickly south with Tony (my husband) comes out barking about my son in law using all the hot water, then I hear him throwing Pat’s lunch box out the back door, kicking a box and grumbling to himself.  We just had a family meeting that we need while I am continuing to navigate med free, with his blood pressure and with so much potential issues with a full house, that there needs to be an effort to remain calm for the sake of everyone right now.

He agreed he would try to be more patient.  But as he sat down with his cup of coffee I said “Good Morning” “How are you?” He retorts how that is a strange question to ask first thing in the morning in a not so nice tone of voice.  The internal reaction hit quickly.  I felt sucker punched.   I am trying to be cordial and he is being a jerk. I should have anticipated that my verbalizing my hurt feelings were only going to begin a downward spiral to the situation.  But somehow I managed to get myself worked up to the point of wanting to tear off my skin. Don’t know why I always feeling like taking off my skin when I am at a highly frustrated state.  Like tearing at my clothes, but instead I see in my mind ripping my skin.

Anyway, I pro-actively took a dose and a 1/2 of anxiety meds.  This is a bit worrisome because without lithium the affects are more intense.  I get super groggy and out of it.  I have an appointment this morning so good luck to me.  I just needed to get my out of control internalization to a calm point even if by force.

I am struggling to keep a flowing thought right now, I keep trying to go back a read for continuity, but it is taking too much effort right now.  This I do know, I know it’s better to medicate at this moment rather than entering in the bear he poked when he was being rude.

God, I ask that you give me wisdom and silence in times of adversity.  My reactions never accomplish my imagined outcome. Work through me to bring a peace which I can’t seem to reach on my own.  I want to be free from all medicinal crutches and with your strength I know I will someday arrive to this point.


I need to be here




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