I’m not good.  I have laid there just crying in my pillow.  My mind is speaking but I can’t make out what it is saying.  So I try to watch TV, turn it off and there I lay staring out the window and am so very mad. I’m too damn depressed to react to the anger but it hovers there like a wet blanket, smothering me. Hearing sounds, like mumbling. Seeing the beginnings of hallucinations.  At their peak they aren’t even ever worthy hallucinations.  They are like people in my peripheral. It’s mostly annoying and have made me jump on more than one occasion in the past. An up side… I haven’t seen any full visible shadows scurrying on the walls yet so I’m not fully gone.

Tone came home and he is in a bad mood…. again…. we agreed for a moment over the phone earlier that he should go stay in a motel.  But then we admitted, we can’t afford to separate. We love each other.  Just both need a life break so badly.

I feel right now like I’m in those horror movies where the girl is chained to something and tries to run.  Forgetting for a second there was an anchor. She hits the length at full speed and just flies back like a boomerang landing on her back with a painful thud.  Yea that’s me right now. I was doing so well and believe I got cocky… First time I have been hit without warning in a while.

I can see that I am going to be a Debbie Downer and I just need to pause till I get my barrings back.

I promise I will post the before and afters.  Just maybe not till May. Who knows, maybe I can muster through it quickly.  I am absolutely gonna try.

God Bless you guys!

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